Moving beyond the need to be needed by Care'n Mooney

Mar 19

Sometimes we feel we need something that needs to be finished, needs to prepare for the next day, or need to get new shoes. These are all normal needs that come up in daily life. We all have needs and this is part of being human.

When it becomes problematic it comes from fear, fear our basic needs will be overlooked and unless we become almost helpless our needs will not be met. When a person develops a pattern of using the "i can't do it by myself, I am helpless, I need to be saved or rescued." They find that they can get everything they want with no effort. This develops a pattern of control and manipulation. These patterns develop from past experiences. They are sometimes encouraged by our parents who think it’s cute to cater to every whim of the child. Other times they can be developed by having a low self-esteem and the deep fear that our basic needs will not be met.

If we continue with these patterns into our adult relationships, they can lead to disastrous relationships.

As females we are taught to look and act helpless, so we do not appear unladylike. This can be easily translated into “if I don’t act helpless no one will like me,” so it is bred into us at a very early age.

Any time we try to do something that is the least bit challenging, that is too heavy, that’s too hard, that’s to complicated for a girl. This starts the process of self-doubt and distrust of what we can and cannot do as girls.

Girls are labeled, the weaker sex, and not able to function without a man doing it for us. We learn to keep our brain, strength and mental abilities out of sight, so it is no wonder that we carry this into adulthood.

Distinguishing who we are creates a conflict, and we either learn to balance it or become even more needy. This added to a person who also grows up being the victim or having been abandoned turns into a way to survive. You hone these tools and become a master needy person.

There is a fine line between being needy and using it for control, causing pain and manipulation. The difference is you can have needs, and you can accept the help of others without being needy.

When you cannot find your authentic self, and never learn to love yourself, you’re always looking for someone to fill that space.

Neediness may seem adorable at first, especially to someone who loves to rescue the weak and helpless. But this relationship can get tiring very quickly. If the rescuer gets tiring of always of doing everything, it becomes less and less attractive to the constant demand of the needy, whiny, helpless victim. The needy person begins to feel them pulling away and becoming more distant.

The relationship is based on broken elements and not a foundation for a strong, self-reliant, healthy relationship. Someone who does not love themself and has no self-esteem will always be feeling inferior, always seeking constant reassurance that they are loved. Never wanting the other person out of their site, clinging and suffocating them.

This creates jealousy and fear that their partner will leave and brings out the feeling of abandonment which causes them to tighten the neediness even more.

When couples do not support and inspire each other their behavior pushes them in opposite directions. This does not allow for a relationship to grow and flourish.

No one wins in this kind of a relationship and uses the expression "if you love me you will do this for me" and finds that this is not love. A healthy relationship comes from two healthy people who have learned to practice self-love first, face their shadows and balance their lives before seeking a relationship. This gives the couples a better chance at happiness.

There are men that i have diagnosed d.i.d.s. "damsels in distress savior". They are the ones that are attracted to women that are struggling and in distress. This way they can prove to the world that they are the heroes.

How to release the need to be needy

1. Recognizing that this is a tool that you use

2. Learning to love yourself

3. Learning to let go of the past

4. Finding your authenticity

Every Tuesday evening, I have a heart-centered meditation at my center in Mesa, Arizona. I call it the open-heart meditation. I guide the group into our heart’s center, feeling it with joy, feeling it expands and vibrates faster and faster until we become our true essence as beings of light.

If anyone is in the Phoenix or Mesa area, please give me a call and be part of our open-heart meditation.