The Third of the Four Agreements: Don’t Make Assumptions by Care’n Mooney

Jan 29

By our nature, we have a tendency to find a solution to any given situation. We ask ourselves, "Why did this happen? What caused that to happen? Why did the dog bark? Why wasn't I invited to the party?"

When we do not understand the outcome, we go into our past experiences and start trying to find a reason. When someone says something or does not say something, we have a tendency to assume it is about us, and we try to figure out what is going on.

Our own reasoning becomes distorted when we create an emotional or negative thought, trying to resolve our feelings. The challenge is that we do not have all the facts.

And we are basing our results on what may be flawed and distorted, selecting bits of information from here and there.

We then add being afraid to ask for clarification, afraid of looking stupid or not knowing the answer, or that if we speak up, we will be judged. Then we feel we have to defend our assumption. We try to get others to agree with us to justify our reasoning. This never solves the problem; it only exacerbates and inflames the situation.

When our mind creates scenarios, we begin to see them as truth. We create in our imagination what we want to play out. For example, someone we like looks in our direction, and in our mind, we are hoping they are looking at us, so we assume they are. We are thinking they would like to talk to us, but they are with other people and cannot.

We constantly build on the assumption that if they could talk to us, they would, and we produce all kinds of ideas and misconceptions.

And when this proves incorrect, we are crushed, and we can store this away in the shadows of our mind. In close relationships, we assume that because we have lived together, the other person knows us and therefore knows what we want and need. When they do not do something that we think they should, we feel hurt, and our comment can be, "You know me; you know what I want." We assume that the other person wants the same things we want. You may want to order pizza and assume that because you like pizza, the other person is going to want pizza, and they want hamburgers.

When this happens, we are let down, and both parties suffer because of an assumption.

Let us say one person really wants children and envisions a warm house with lots of kids, while the other person envisions that their relationship will be about traveling and not having a family. And then we assume that they really did not mean that, and we still presume that we can guide the relationship into what we want.

This is never going to work out. Our mind can make assumptions at lightning speed, and then we jump to the conclusion that our assumption is correct, and our vision of reality becomes blurred. Another way we allow our assumptions to control our choices is.

When we assume that we are not worthy of the person we are with, or we assume that we are not good enough or smart enough for the job that we have. We can sabotage the opportunity to get what we want and desire or sabotage the relationship by believing our assumptions. We make our assumptions based on the programs that we have been taught: "That person doesn't fit in our group; the color of their skin is dangerous; that political or religious view is wrong."

Our ability to make decisions of our own is clouded by this programming. Learning to break these programs and be free of the pain that making assumptions creates

through self-love, and when we become impeccable with how we talk to ourselves, when we realize that everything is not about us or taking things personally and learning to not make assumptions are three ways to find the freedom to form new perceptions and bring joy into our lives.

A friend just told me about something that he heard. The person giving the talk was telling us how we are taught to always believe that in this life you will always suffer, life is hard, you have to work hard to get ahead. He suggested that we listen to the children's song "Row, Row, Row Your Boat." Think about it: "Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream." This means rowing your boat is no struggle; you only need to apply gentle effort to get the boat to go where you want it to go. "Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream." Life has a lot of ups and downs and a lot of challenges, but if we view life as joyful, gentle, adventurous, and live merrily, what a happier and more joyful experience we will have.

And remember, your worst enemy is not in the person, a situation, or things; it is the story in your mind based on your assumptions and projected fears, our insecurities. The incredible news is we can change it.

Every Tuesday evening, I have a heart-centered meditation at my center in Mesa, Arizona. I call it the open-heart meditation. I guide the group into our heart’s center, feeling it with joy, feeling it expands and vibrates faster and faster until we become our true essence as beings of light.

If anyone is in the Phoenix or Mesa area, please give me a call and be part of our open-heart meditation.

I see you, I appreciate you, I honor you